27 September 2008

God, I Hate Bama

I don't really hate them. I respect Alabama. Always have. They have one of the truly great traditions in college football, and it pleases me to see them rising after years of being down. But I confess that, as an Auburn fan, I'm bitter.

Due to the upset of USC by Oregon State, I have read a half dozen articles this week that say this game today between Bama and Georgia will decide who the chief candidate in the SEC is for National Champion. I'll remind The Bama Nation (with love) that the Tide was 7-6 last year, has struggled for at least six or seven years now, and barely made the top 25 in preseason rankings. In 2004, Auburn was ranked 17 in preseason and was following two years of 9-4 and 8-5 records. And in the end, we know how it turned out:

Scene: 2004. Office of the BCS Gods. Secretary enters.

Secretary: Your Eminences? There's a football team here to see you. The Auburn Tigers.

BCS God 1: Who? The Auburn Flyers? Never heard of them.

Secretary: No, Your Loftiness. The Tigers. T-I-G...

BCS God 2: You know, that other little college in Alabama. The one with the toilet paper. She's saying they've started a football program.

BCS God 1: Oh them! Yes, the Flyers. I thought they were in Georgia. Well, quite right. Congratulate them on their new endeavor.

Secretary: Well, it's the Tigers, Your Pompousness, and they're saying they are undefeated and are the SEC Champions. They're here to make a case for playing in the National Cham--

BCS God 1: Good on them. If they work hard they might play with the big boys one day, but really, tell them we're quite busy setting the Championship Game in place. Ask them to come back next week and we'll see what we can do for their little program.

Secretary: Yes, Your Fatuousness. (Exits)

BCS God 2: You know, I think you're right. I believe they are in Georgia.
But now, even though Alabama has done nothing significant in more than a decade, if they were in the same spot it would be more like this:

Secretary (whispering frantically): The Tide is here, Your Eminences!

BCS God 1: Holy Shyt!

BCS God 2: How does my hair look?

(Tide strolls in)

Tide: Hey guys. Just thought I'd check by and make sure you know we're playing in the National Championship game, aight?

BCS God 1: Well of course you are, Your Crimsonness! Do you think us madmen?

BCS God 2: Simply not worth calling it a National Championship if you weren't there, Your Brilliance.

Tide: Just makin' sure, you know. I mean, after what happened with Auburn and all that.

BCS God 1: Who, the Flyers? Pish-tosh, man. No one cares about that little Georgia school.

Tide: Aight, then. See ya at the game. (Exits)

BCS Gods: Roll Tide!

(There is brief silence, broken only by the relieved sighing of the gods.)

BCS God 2 (blushing coyly): I don't know about you, but I've got to change my panties.
It would never happen to Alabama like it happened to us. The fact Bama is even being mentioned in the same sentence with the words "BCS Championship Game" is proof. So you see this is why we Auburn fans don't tend to get too excited.

22 September 2008

Ready For The Spotlight?


There's nothing else to say about it. It's time to start Quinn. Derek Anderson has an overall passer rating of 43.5 over three games, and has two touchdowns and five interceptions to show for his effort. Yes, the whole offense is to blame. Yes, the coach needs to go. But they need the spark of hope. Quinn should start against the Bengals this Sunday. Then he'll have a whole week to prepare for his first appearance as a starting quarterback on Monday Night Football against the defending Super Bowl Champions. Let's get going.

19 September 2008

Buzzwords

Spot on.

That's my new least favorite word or phrase, dislodging "thinking outside the box," which has been a burr under my saddle for years.

We get these words and phrases periodically. Somehow, a technical term, a corporate buzzword, a foreign phrase or even a perfectly good but seldom used word will suddenly become vogue, and will then be used at every turn, wearing out its welcome. I think these things are called buzzwords rather appropriately, because they buzz in your ears like an annoying insect.

In the '80s anything known to be fact was "a given" and our dearest hope was that everyone would just be a "happy camper." In the '90s, everything made a "huge impact," or was "re-engineered," which was most definitely the result of someone "thinking outside the box."

I recall when George W. Bush first selected Dick Cheney as a running mate, and some educated person made the mistake of saying Cheney added "gravitas" to the ticket. Soon you couldn't get through a political talk show without someone tossing out "gravitas," while everyone else nodded seriously.

I'm not against vocabulary. I was an English major, after all. I used to enjoy reading the late William F. Buckley, because I knew I'd have to use the dictionary at least once. It was like a treasure hunt, finding that word that no ordinary person ever uses. But I'm sure it was my years in newspapers that makes me a firm believer that plain talk is the better way to communicate. It doesn't have to be cute or catchy to convey the message. And cute and catchy are usually annoying after the 100th time you hear it.

Everything does not have "synergy." That guy you met in philosophy class may well be smart and cool, but I guarantee he's not actually "amazing." You don't have to ask for a "paradigm shift" when you just want somebody to look at things in a new way. To be blunt, I never figured out what exactly "the box" was. All I know is that it was overused enough that Taco Bell was urging people to "think outside the bun," and when you're being parodied by a plate of Nachos Bell Grande you need to seriously rethink your approach to the language.

Trust me. I'm spot on with this assessment.

16 September 2008

The Answer Is: Much Worse

The Browns just can't get it together. When everyone in the sports-loving world thought the defense was the most suspect part of our game, it was our offense and coaching that led us to utter failure against our dreaded foes, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The defense showed up. No, they were not perfect, but they did limit the Steelers to only 10 points. On a normal day, you should win a game when you limit your opponent to 10 points. Shaun Rogers was particularly impressive, sacking Ben Roethlisberger two of the three times he got pancaked. Good work! He gets my game ball.

So where was the offense? Braylon Edwards is dropping so many balls, I doubt he can find his own. Jamal Lewis can't get to the outside. And Derek Anderson...Derek came away from the game with a 44.5 percent passer rating and two interceptions. So far this season Derek has only one TD to go with the two INTs, and has amassed a total of 280 yards passing through two games. He's throwing short and making bad decisions just like he did the last half of the season in 2007.

But I'm not blaming it all on Derek. Obviously Braylon and Jamal need to pick up their games too. And the coaching has been horrific. Two weeks in a row we've gone for safe field goals rather than touchdowns. Two weeks in a row we've made stupid calls. Two weeks in a row we have shown abysmal clock management. Coach Romeo Crennel did manage to crack a facial expression this week, but that's the only sign of life he showed. Team discipline is lacking, and that goes directly to the head coach. Twelve penalties for nearly 100 yards on your home field is unacceptable.

So what now? The Browns, who were the hot pick for the playoffs coming into the season, are now a three-point dog to the Ravens this week. The Ravens, who we beat twice last year. If we lose a third straight, it's time to make some changes. It may be past time. Many sports experts have already hung the wreath on the door that says Cleveland.

But, as ever...Browns 28, Ravens 17

09 September 2008

How Much Worse Can It Get?

After four stellar weeks of preseason action and a magnificent home opener, my Browns will this week face off against our biggest and most hated rival, the Pittsburgh Steelers. Can we win? Ah, the audacity of hope!

It was clear against the Dallas Cowboys last week that Braylon Edwards was rusty. Three weeks of missing practices and preseason games showed in his four drops. Derek Anderson was rusty too, though for a guy who is typically about as mobile as a sequoia, he was remarkably agile. I have faith that both of them can come out better this week.

But our defense as a whole and our offensive line play have clearly deteriorated. I could have covered T.O. as well as our defensive backs, we're not blocking, we're making arm tackles, and we are flat-out beaten on speed. Our offensive line, which was our primary strength last season, seems to be asleep on the field. We sucked so bad, the Dallas cheerleaders could have scored on us. So now what?

Coach Romeo Crennel's assessment of our home opener opponent was that Dallas is "pretty good." This from the coach who simply wanted us to "look decent" in our last preseason game. Crennel seems to be the poster boy for understatements and low expectations. That attitude will get us killed for the 10th straight time by the Steelers. It could even be a worse shellacking than last year.

So, my prediction: Browns 28, Steelers 24. Ever faithful. We have nowhere to go but up.

Never Say Women Aren't Sexist

So I'm reading this Yahoo! news article today and find something really disappointing. Women are sexist. I mean, I knew that already but when I find evidence of it, it never ceases to irritate. The sexist part is this:

"An ABC News-Washington Post survey found white women have moved from backing Obama by 8 points to supporting McCain by 12 points, with majorities viewing Palin favorably and saying she boosts their faith in McCain's decisions."

Now, hold on. You can like Sarah Palin or not like her; agree with her policies and views or disagree. I'm not here to sell you on that one way or another. But the fact is, she brings nothing new to the McCain ticket except a vah-jay-jay. And apparently, her lady parts merit a 20-point swing in support among white women.

Understand this, ladies: If you liked the Obama platform two weeks ago, you should still like it now. Nothing has changed. The fact you'd switch your vote because there is a woman on the ticket is just as sexist as a man NOT voting for McCain because there is a woman on the ticket. Way to become what you've always claimed to hate. Good work. This is exactly why men think we're stupid and should not be allowed to vote.

Cold, Hard Pasta Salad Facts

I got an email this morning from my pal BomberDawg which asked, "this yew?" and enclosed a link to An Angry Chick Troll's Pasta Salad recipe on coldhardfootballfacts.com.

Yep. It's me.

The recipe is one I made via experimentation, but was inspired by a pasta salad my friend Sonya made for a party once. She got hers from Homemade Gourmet, and it was really good. I don't have one of those stores where I live, and ordering online for one item seemed excessive. So I decided to experiment, which can be dangerous given the fact that I'm not a good cook. After a few tries I got it how I liked it. I'm not sure how close it is at this point to the inspiration dish, but it's good. And it's different.

I'm particularly tickled that I got included on the CHFF tailgate section. It's my favorite football information website. The writing is sharp and funny. It makes me laugh every time I go there. Check it out.

01 September 2008

At Last, Our Love Has Come Along

I wanted to find a really good picture. One that truly captured the unyielding and unreasonable fanaticism of a football fan. This one seems to work. The jack-o-lanterns are a particularly nice addition. One might assume that this Minnesota Vikings fan was attending a game on or near Halloween when this photo was taken, but who knows? Might have been the opener.

It's here, guys. Finally. College football began over the weekend, and the NFL's regular season kicks off this week. Not spring games. Not preseason games. Real games. Games that mean something. For the rest of the year there will be football from Thursday to Monday, almost every week. The other three days a week, many of us will be busy tweaking our Fantasy Football rosters. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

I am aware that there are people who don't enjoy football. Foreigners, for example, who have lived lives deprived of the sport. Girls, who've been conditioned (brainwashed) to buy into the whole "it's a guy thing," notion. Those I can understand. I accept that there are men who don't like football too. I accept it and I don't think it makes them bad people. But I don't understand it.

Football taps into mankind's primitive, warrior instinct. It allows both combatant and spectator to unleash aggression that we must otherwise suppress. I'm fully convinced that, without football, we'd have more road rage and office massacres. When one expends a lot of energy hating that other team and the ref who called that horrible play, there isn't much room left for other petty grievances. Priorities.

But more than that, football--and other things like it--allow people a chance to bond with others of their own ilk. Strangers sharing an allegiance. And possibly a tube of face paint. It is a glorious spectacle. Thank God it's here again.