Scooter and Mommy Watch Football (And Do Homework)

My son doesn't care for sports. I don't usually inflict it on him, but since the television has been on the blink in my room, sometimes he has to suffer. And since his mother chose to be fan of a football team that is not in the local television market and can only been seen by purchasing NFL Sunday Ticket (not gonna happen) or when they appear in a nationally-televised prime time game, he has no choice but to suffer on those nights. Such was the case this week when the Browns took on the Bills on Monday Night Football.

There was compromise, of course. I cooked his favorite supper in advance, and endured a screening of Kung Fu Panda, all with the understanding that when the game started Scooter would do his homework while Mommy watched ball. Win/win all around. The game plan was simple: Between snaps, I'd help with the homework. So wearing my jersey and football in hand, we began watching the Browns while working on our pronouns and antecedents and then math.

Those who saw the game know how it went. The Browns were up early, and then sat on the verge of blowing a 13-point lead in the fourth quarter for the third straight game, an NFL record for suckage. The evening went something like this:

"Tackle somebody you worthless idiot! Arrgh!" (Deep breath.) "OK, where are we? To whom does 'he' refer? Raul or Tomas? It isn't clear."

"So it's A."

"Correct." (Looking at TV...) "DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO TACKLE?!? And will you just shut up, Kornheiser!"

"We're still winning, Mommy."

"I know, baby, but this is the Browns. We will find a way to lose."

As the game progressed I gave up sitting altogether and stood in front of the television attempting to choke the life out of my Official PeeWee League NFL football. But I was still doing my duty as a parent.

"So what is the formula for the circumference of a circle?"

"Pi times the diameter?"

"Yes. No...no, no no!" and Buffalo took the lead. I sat down and closed my eyes. At this point, Scooter began to pray. I told him that God didn't concern Himself with such matters as football, but he insisted. Then we finished the last math problem and waited helplessly for the outcome. For the second week in a row, Phil Dawson kicked his career-long field goal (56 yards this time) to give the Browns the lead. I squealed. Scooter jumped up and gave me a hug. "We're gonna win!" he said.

Alas, I had to explain to him, that we had just completed a 28-yard drive in only about 45 seconds, passing into a constant blitz, instead of letting Jerome Harrison grind out a couple first downs for us and use up some clock. That meant the Bills had all day--1:44--to score, and probably would, because our defense sucks wind by half time, and they sure do in the fourth quarter. The game wasn't over yet. We had to wait for the Bills to go wide right on a 47-yard field goal attempt before we could finally rejoice.

And we did! We jumped up and down. We did the football bugaloo. We had a good night.

Cinematic Plagiarism!

OK, I watched The Strangers a couple weeks ago, and tonight I watched Ils, a French film with the English title Them. The premise of both of these films, without getting into spoilers yet, is that a couple in an isolated home are terrorized by anonymous strangers. Although IMDB FAQs say that The Strangers (2008) was NOT a remake of Ils (2006) and was written two years before the release of Ils, I cannot buy this. They are the same film. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.

Most of the tension in both is created by sounds. The antagonists are masked in TS and hooded in Ils. In Ils, the TV keeps coming back on. In TS, it's the record player. And while TS is longer and has a bit more superflous plot to it, you have to account for the fact that it is an Amerian film with a well-known actress (Liv Tyler), and we demand a longer running time than the 77-minute French film. Both claim to be inspired by true events, but one rings more true than the other. The DVD of TS says that the true event which inspired the film is: "based on a real event that occured during director Brian Bertino's childhood in which a stranger came to his home in the middle of the night asking several times for a person who did not exist. The following day, his family was informed by police that several houses had been ransacked and burglarized the previous night by an unknown assailant." I can see that inspiring a creative mind to a scary story. What if you were mangled rather than burgled? The fabricated ending of Ils says the couple was murdered by young teenagers just having a game basically. A Variety review at the time of the film's release says the "true event" which inspired the film was the murder of an Austrian couple by young teenagers in their isolated vacation home, though it fails to cite a source. Still, Variety is a reputable publication. I would tend to think that statement was fact-checked. And even if it isn't true, so what? TS is still a ripoff IMHMFO.

Though skepticism or cynicism are not my natural tendencies, this really pisses me off. I had no idea that the plot of Ils was the same as TS by reading the DVD box, but it was evident it was the same story very quickly. If I believe the Bertino story of the stranger knocking, I still can't see how he could use that as inspiration and write the basically identical screenplay and claim it is original. And how would a couple of young screenwriters in France know of some young screenwriter in Texas's screenplay to rip it off in time to have a completed and released film two years in advance? And how can we even know if it was written two years before? Because he says so? It doesn't wash. Probability and common sense say it was the other way around. The people who made The Ring gave no pretense that it wasn't a remake of a popular Japanese film, and it was well received. I don't know why this one would pretend, and I just can't buy it. I do realize that very little in the horror genre hasn't been regurgitated a million times, but c'mon. It's the same fucking movie.

If you care to watch either of these films, I recommend them for people who like scary. Both do the job of creating tension very well. But if you only want to watch one, guess which one I suggest? Ils dispenses with the final minutes of gore that TS cheapens itself with just a bit. It's not a ripoff that claims it isn't. And foreign films with subtitles make you feel worldly and sophisticated.

Game Balls

By my count, this photo contains 44 gigantic balls. That's enough for 11 offensive starters and 11 defensive starters. We actually have some spares, since guys like Jamal Lewis, Josh Cribbs, Brady Quinn and Shaun Rogers seem to have their sets intact. For the rest...grab a pair.

Lewis and Cribbs made public comments over the past week about the Browns' loss to Denver, in which a substantial lead was squandered in the fourth quarter for the second week in a row. They called out unnamed fellow players for ego, and said others simply quit. This was clearly a challenge to teammates to bring their best game for all four quarters, in spite of the rocky season, the quarterback change and the prospects of playoffs all but completely gone.

The first Brown to respond to those comments was Coach Romeo Crennel. RAC, clearly displaying the most glaring lack of a man-sack in the entire organization, said,

"It seems like the word 'quit' has taken a life of its own and grown a little bit bigger, and now the Browns are quitters and the coach has lost control of the team and there's division in the locker room, and that's not the case," Crennel said. "These guys are going to play and play together. Whether we play good enough remains to be seen."

Crennel also said that he talked to Lewis and Cribbs, and that they basically recanted their accusations. For his part, Lewis doesn't seem to be backing down at all.

"Everybody wondered, 'Who you talking about, who you talking about?' It doesn't matter. I will address it. I address everybody, that's just the type of person I am," Lewis said. "I don't bite my tongue and I just tell it like it is. At the same time, I talk to everybody and just try to keep everybody on the same page."

The collapse of the Browns this year can be put on lack of balls at every level, and Jamal is right. Phil Savage didn't have the balls to answer staph infection questions, so he let Kellen Winslow endure nasty rumors for 10 days about an "undisclosed illness." Neither Savage nor RAC had the balls to start Quinn sooner. Owner Randy Lerner didn't have the balls to take control of his foundering organization until Staphgate and yet another divisional loss. Braylon Edwards doesn't have the balls to confront the media and his own demons regarding his league-leading drops.

Grow a pair, gentlemen. This is professional football.

Pick-me-up

I was feeling a little glum this week, so I got a new lipstick. It's pink. It made me smile.

A new lipstick is one of my stand-by items for a glum week. Cheap earrings are good too, and since I like to write, a new, really cool ink pen is also a winner. Sometimes it's serious enough that a haircut is in order.

It's pretty typical for women to do this sort of thing, and my choices are very typical too. You look a little different or you have a fresh notebook and good pen, so everything is new again. Perspective. It's a cheap psychological trick, but it's usually effective.

I wondered what men do, or if they do the same thing, so naturally I consulted a few men I know and the Browns forum. I asked, "What do you treat yourself to when you're feeling sad that always makes you feel better?" I got a half dozen responses that were either "hookers" or "beer" or both.

While beer is probably a legit answer for many, one good response was "something for my 1989 Bonneville." That makes sense. It's stereotypical but true that guys love their cars, and fresh Armor All on the tires is probably a guy's equivalent to fresh gloss on the lips.

Another great answer was playing a round of golf. "I like being able to distill all my problems into getting a ball into a hole in the most efficient way possible." This one makes a lot of sense. Golf requires focus and concentration, and in the end, provides a sense of accomplishment. Too bad I don't play. Seems like good therapy.

Change We Can Believe In?

Yeah, yeah...we elected a president this week. But that is not the only momentous change of interest to me. The Cleveland Browns have benched starting quarterback Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn will start this week against Denver.

Now the stadium will echo with the cheers of "Bra-dy! Bra-dy!" for a new reason. They got their wish. Gunslinger out, matinee idol in. So now what? It's fine to be pretty, and God knows he is, but what can he really do as a starting quarterback? Just like with presidents, starting quarterbacks are subject to close scrutiny, blind support or utter hatred. The fact Quinn went to Notre Dame is enough reason for half the country to hate him. Oh well. He'll survive.

The change does come on a short week. After playing Sunday, the Browns turn around quickly to play Denver on Thursday. This gives Quinn essentially one full day of practice and one walk-through day to prepare with the rest of the offense. Some have criticized making this big change on a short week, but receiver Braylon Edwards made a good observation. The timing doesn't really allow the team to waste energy on the whys and wherefores of the change. There's a game Thursday and that's that. I'm very excited to see what happens!

Full of faith as ever, I anticipate a good game from all. Browns 34, Broncos 13.

Yes We Can?

So it will be President Barack Obama.

Although the landslide victory was predicted and expected, it still seems fantastic. My country elected a black man as president. I knew that would happen one day, but the suddenness of Obama's acceptance as a candidate and now as a president-elect is stunning to me. It gives me a good feeling that the fact of his race was rendered to interesting rather than impeding.

So now what? Can he deliver on the Hope he so eloquently promised during his campaign? He should have no obstacles for a considerable length of time. His party also owns the House and Senate, so the Obama agenda should begin being ushered in quickly, and we will see if it bears fruit.

Whether a person voted for Obama or not is now inconsequential. He will be the president. A good American must hope that he will actually be a good leader, and that the policies he drives and the bills he signs into law will be more good than bad and make our country stronger rather than weaker. The level of bile and hatred directed at George W. Bush should not remain the status quo, only now from the other side. People said Bush divided our country, but that isn't true. A president is only one man. We divided ourselves, and it isn't healthy.

So here we go. Let's see what happens.