We Interrupt This Blog With A Call From My Son

I have custom ringtones for a few people in my mobile phone. Scooter's ringtone is the Transformers theme. He's into Transformers, big time. If I get a call from my son it is usually about one of three things: He saw a really cool Transformer, he wants to to to Walmart to get a Transformer, he wants to know what is for supper.

Today he's out with my father for their Saturday Go-to-Breakfast/Go-to-Walmart excursion. Sometimes they go to a movie. They do this every Saturday. This means every Saturday I get calls from Scooter.

[Ringtone blares: "Transformers! More than meets the eye! Transformers! Robots in disguise!"]
"Hello?"
"Hey, Mother?"
"Yes?"
"I just  saw a Cliff Jumper! You know what it is? It's red! It's a repaint of Bumblebee. It's usually just a repaint of Bumblebee, but it's a Cliff Jumper! It's freakin' awesome!"
"That's great, Son."
"I love you, Mother." 
[click]

I  know a lot about Transformers these days. More than I want to know. But he likes them, and there are certainly worse things he could be enthusiastic about. Like girls. I'll take a 12-year-old toy geek over a 12-year-old horndog any day.

["Transformers! More than meets the eye! Transfor–"]
"Hello?"
"Hey, Mother?"
"Yes?"
"I talked to Jenny. She didn't get me that Scorponok. She wasn't shopping for Christmas. She just found it in the socks at T.J.Maxx and wanted to know if I had one."
"OK."
"That means I can get the cool red and black repaint Scorponok! Hurrah!"
"If that's what you like, Son."
"Hey, Mother? Thank you for getting me Swerve."
"You're welcome."
"I love you, Mother."
[click]

Arguably, he's spoiled. Between me and my parents, he gets most of what he wants in terms of Transformers. But in his defense, he doesn't ask for much else. He isn't into brand clothing (yet), he isn't constantly asking for a PS3 or a Wii or some hundred-dollar new video game. He's never once suggested that what we really need is a 15-foot plasma screen TV. And admittedly, I love to get him the damn things. He gets so excited! It doesn't matter if I like them or not. My pleasure is hearing him talk about them. I do worry about myself though. I've lately started to think Optimus Prime is kinda hot. You know, for a giant alien robot.

["Transformers! More than meets–"]
"Hello?"
"Hey, Mother?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have stuff to make spaghetti for supper?"
"Yep."
"Yes! I love you, Mother."
[click]

Love you too, Scooter.

Everything You Thought Is Wrong, But That's OK

Who can be certain in this life? We get fed a bunch of nonsense as children and then slowly watch all those beliefs get torn down as the years go by. Ideas like lifelong friendship, blood being thicker than water, good triumphing over evil, true love never dying...horseshit. Sure, sometimes it works out like that, but the reality is that you get burned a lot by banking on those ideas. It's enough to make you cynical if you let it. You just need to develop a more pragmatic view of things. Don't expect so much of people. Don't expect too much of yourself. We humans may be the "paragon of animals," as Shakespeare suggested, but don't get caught up in the paragon part of that phrase and forget the animals part.

1. Friends come and go. Friends are transient. The likelihood of lifelong friendship between two people is rare. The likelihood of lifelong friendship between more than two people is nearly impossible. This is just my opinion, but it's an informed opinion. I've seen friendships destroyed over things like jobs or politics. I know that your best friend will screw your wife under the least bit of opportunity or provocation. I know that your best friend will abandon you for somebody "cooler," even when you're grown up and think you are beyond that kind of shallowness. Your friendship might even end due to something less traumatic, like a move that puts distance between you until the friendship becomes more like an acquaintanceship. It happens. I used to lament this kind of thing, not just if one of my friendships was broken, but even when I saw someone else's friendship suffer. Now I see it differently. Friendship is like your favorite television series. It may have a long run, but in time it will probably get canceled. If you're lucky you'll get repeats of the best episodes now and then, and you can always remember those episodes fondly. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't give friendship your all just because it might not last forever. Of course you should. Then if it breaks or fades you'll be in good practice to be somebody else's friend for a while.

2. There is a fine line between love and hate. This is what you get with families. You are born into a family and almost forced to develop love bonds with them due to blood. It's automatic. But the intense love and familiarity that comes with blood relationships breeds opportunity for enmity. The worst fights and most painful estrangements you will see are between siblings. Usually it's money. Property, inheritance. It brings out the worst in people. And because they know you so well, they know best how to hurt you. Maybe that's why the poorest families seem to be the closest. That is, until you have two brothers in love with the same woman. Your family is your family, but figure out that they are no better or worse than anyone else in the world just because they share your DNA.

3. True love is as fragile and breakable as a china cup. An interesting fact about a china cup is that you can turn it upside down on the floor, stand on the base of it and it will hold the weight of an average person without breaking. It's that strong and amazing. But you can tap it carelessly with a teaspoon and break it into a million pieces. It's that tender. And that's how love is. Usually it will endure the heaviest burdens with ease. I think this is because we have a plan for those things. We realize those huge burdens are often beyond our control, and even imagine ahead of time what to do if one of these burdens falls upon us. But it's those everyday knocks that do us in. That little chip. That hairline crack that goes unrepaired. The careless misuse of love until it is barely holding together is its undoing. One day, it will no longer hold the tea and it will shatter. Yes, yes, some people enjoy a lifetime of use from their china cup, and that's great and beautiful. But most people are careless with their teaspoons. The good thing is, you only have to break one to learn your lesson most of the time.

4. The ultimate myth common to  all these situations and relationship is the idea that good triumphs over evil. It does sometimes, but you can't count on it. Good gets screwed a lot. I think I have figured out why. The assholes of the world spend a lifetime working the system to their own advantage. They bend the rules until they nearly break, they subvert the system, they burn both ends of the candle, they leave somebody else holding the bag. They get very skilled at it. It's a constant mental exercise. Meanwhile, those of us who try to do good are usually doing what seems most natural. We don't think about it. So the evil people of the world run on cleverness and the good people of the world run on instinct and emotion. Clever usually wins. If you want to even the odds you have to get smart, and the other side is already smarter than you are. They've had more practice. But it's OK. You know you're right to do the right things. Just heal up and move on. And get smarter.

God

I'm an Agnostic. I think. What I mean is, I don't believe in God the way most people do. I just never bought the all-knowing creator image. It never made sense to me, and still doesn't. And I'm educated and intelligent enough to know that evolution is real. That doesn't mean a God can't also exist, but it doesn't exist the way they taught me at Sunday School.

Growing up in the South, believe me, I had plenty of religious education. As an adult, I have found it illuminating to learn about the belief systems of others around the world, from various Christian denominations, to Buddists and Hindus, or Muslims and Jews. I find religion to be a fascinating subject and I'm not against it at all.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure nobody has it quite right. Not 100 percent. But I appreciate that we seem to be trying to get it right. No, not "organized religion" so much. Organized religion just wants converts and needs to be "right" all the time. I mean individuals. Whether or not God is real is beside the point. Mankind has created religion as a means to transcend. It gives us something to aspire to, guidelines for good living. Who can dispute the wisdom of The Golden Rule or the Four Nobel Truths? It gives me great hope that we humble humans have devised such guidelines and attempt to follow them, however poorly we may do so at times.

The Hindus have a greeting, "Namaste." Roughly translated, it means "The god in me honors the god in you." I have come to embrace this idea as the single tenet in my own personal religion. God does exist in every one of us. You see it in those people who give and love without asking for anything in return. You see it in human creativity, in literature and art and music. You feel when it is near you, and you feel its absence. We have the Devil in us too, and it's easy to spot when it rears its ugly head. The trick is cultivating god and choking down the devil. The choices we make and with whom we associate determine our success in that endeavor.

So no, I don't believe in a God that has the magic powers to bestow happiness and prosperity upon us nor take it away. I believe we have that power in us. So go be God today. Namaste.

None of Your Business: The Path to Happiness

There are things about which a person should care. Their job, their family, their health, their home. The essentials. In fact, we should care deeply about those things at the expense of everything else. Regrettably, we spend too much time giving a damn about stupid things at the expense of the essentials.

I blame my favorite thing in the world, the internet. Every day we are bombarded with things to care about that we would otherwise never even know if not for the world wide web. Oh sure, TV can bear some blame too, but the inundation of "news" and other minutia we get from the internet may be the single largest source of distress the world has witnessed since the Black Plague. We simply know too much and most if it is worthless. And "social networking" in the form of Facebook and internet forums is yet another flea on a dog's ass that keeps us scratching ourselves raw. We give a damn about stuff that is not important at all, like Some Fool's post or any number of things are None of Our Business.

So let's clear the slate a bit, shall we?

1. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize
Why do you care? Some Scandinavian committee arbitrarily gives out awards every year which do nothing to create peace nor destroy it. This award is no more significant to the lives of you and me than an Academy Award or the Piquipsy Rotary Club Man of the Year. I suppose unless you are from Piquipsy. Also, it's their committee. They get to pick. Therefore, it is None of Your Business. Stop caring.

2. The News
Don't watch it. I gave up watching the daily news a few years ago, to my great happiness. Sure, I still hear about things. Random stories of interest will appear on my home page, or Some Fool will post a link to something he gives a great big damn about, and I'll know it then. Not that it's any of my business to know it. And I promise you, if something really big happens, like a terrorist attack or a dramatic change in hemlines in the spring fashion forecast, you'll know it. So stop watching the news. Go have sex or watch a ball game. You'll be much happier.

3. Some Fool
I used to be like you and care very deeply about what Some Fool thinks of me on the internet or down the street. I have a long-standing and deeply-seated need to be accepted and loved. This has not served me well and I am trying to overcome it. I have figured out that what Some Fool thinks of me privately, or even says about me among his or her friends is actually None of My Damn Business. People are free to think whatever they like about me or you, and rarely will anything they say about us have any real affect on our lives. You know why? Nobody gives a damn about it except you and me. So why should we?

4. World Peace
Are you crazy? It's not gonna happen. Ever. You can fret and care and worry yourself sick about what the French think of Americans or what the Israelis and Palestinians think of each other or if the Italians elected another porn star to Parliament, but it isn't anything you can control. I understand that you worry you won't have as good a time on your trip to Paris if the French hate the U.S., or that the price of oil may rise if there is trouble in the Middle East. But it is still None of Your Business. We have the mistaken impression that the world is small, and it is not. It is big and full of all kinds of people. They are not under your control. Do you want them minding Your Business? Quid pro quo. They stay out of Yours. You stay out of Theirs.

You know that cliché Serenity Prayer? The one where you pray for the wisdom to know the difference about things you can control and things you can't? A cliché may be annoying, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. Figure out for yourself what things you can actually control. Those are the things you care about. The rest is None of Your Business. Don't worry about it.

Zero Tolerance for Lazy Thinking

In the past week or so we've seen a Cub Scout and an Eagle Scout suspended from school for carrying knives. Poor little Zachary Christie, 6, faces 45 days in alternative school for bringing his eating utensil to campus. It was one of those spoon/fork/knife combos. He wanted to eat his lunch with it. And now Matthew Whalen, 17, is being suspended for 20 days for having a 2-inch knife inside a survival kit in his car at school. You see, these boys are clearly terrorists in the Zero Tolerance world of today's schools. Never mind that Zachary is an A student who wears a shirt and tie voluntarily, and never mind that Matthew is an honored senior who is already a soldier in the United States Army with aspirations of going to West Point. These children are a menace.

Zero Tolerance policies do not get the results they aim to get. They do nothing to prevent a violent attack on a fellow student. Those still happen every day. They do nothing to stop a person from committing an act of assault or murder if that is truly their intent. People with criminal minds do not follow laws, so your Zero Tolerance policy means nothing to them. So what are they for in the first place?

The real reason for ZT policies is to spare administrators and teachers the job of using their brains and assessing each situation on its own merits. It's the same sort of one size fits all justice that created the "three strikes" laws that removed judicial discretion from the hands of judges and placed it in the hands of bureaucrats. It's lazy thinking, and simply a way to disown any responsibility of leadership. It fails to prevent anything bad and punishes children who are no more a terrorist than I am.

Wait...I do carry a pocket knife.

UnaMUSEd

Yeah, yeah. It's been ever since I wrote anything. But since I'm experiencing yet another ban from a sports forum, I'll try to get back into the habit. I mean, I can't let down all seven of my followers.

Over here to your left is Calliope, the muse of epic poetry. She's not much help. I've never been much of a poet, though I think every writer wishes to be such. Perhaps Clio, the muse of history, would be a better choice. I suppose blogging is a sort of record of history in a way, though not likely a history many people are very interested in learning.

But I will endeavor to persevere with or without the help of a muse to inspire me. Sometimes you just have to be your own muse.