Yeah, yeah. I've had Depression. Yes, it's bad. If you've never experienced it, I'll try to describe it. Imagine a normally functioning human being with friends, hobbies, interests. This person has good personality traits and bad personality traits, like everyone else in the world. They have goals and dreams. They care about things. They have some passion. They have successes to celebrate and disappointments to overcome. They are just like anyone else.
When you add Depression you get...a
So, yeah. I'll cut myself some slack for dealing with that. But what now? Once it seems you are almost out of the black hole you recognize that you have a dearth of social skills. You don't know how to deal with real people anymore. You've lost whatever social talents you may have once had. You no longer have good work habits. Your ability to plan and strategize is gone. All those social muscles have atrophied. This makes you feel somewhat helpless, quite frightened of the world, and kinda worthless. It's pretty easy to slip back down in the black hole unless you can find a rope.
But in short, you're a fuck-up. Even if you do find a rope. It's going to take some work to stop being like that. Where to start? I'm just throwing myself into the fire, going to school. The black hole is telling me that it's a huge mistake and that I will only screw it up. The tiny little voice of hope in my head is saying otherwise, but it's hard to hear that voice some days when all you can see around you is everything you screw up.
I mean, look at this blog post. Writing is the only talent I ever had, and this effort is a piece of shit.
4 comments:
Throw in an over-the-top, unrealistically negative self view to the list of adjectives. Your writing is always awesome. And you're an awesome human being.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~Mark Twain
You always cheer me up.
I've lost count of the times you've made me laugh out loud..
I've lost count of the number of times you've made me think... really THINK anout something.
I've lost count of the number of times your words made me feel better about my own situation(s).
I've lost count of the number of times you've cast a unique light on a subject that illuminates it with a different set of shadows... and has enabled me to see it from a different perspective.
...and I've lost count of the number of times that you've described yourself as less than whom I see in you.
Bitter with the sweet, I guess.
You have gifts that others can see so clearly, yet remain obscured to you. These gifts you give to us freely, tho they're worth a king's ransom to us all. That is something truly special... whether you can see it in yourself or not.
You should listen to me more, and that little dark voice of yours less. I'm better for you than she is- trust me.
Firmly place that b*tch curbside, Dawn. Then step on the gas, and say "Hasta la vista!" as she recedes quickly in your rear-view mirror. An anchor is only good for one thing... and moving ahead ain't it.
Too many good people are stalling out in this world, while too many shits are getting ahead. We need you to balance the scales, dear heart. We believe in you. Lean on us until you can hold us up. That's what The Good Guys do.
I love y'all. FWIW, I was in a really bad mood when I wrote that. It's better now. School is pretty awesome, though my rusty work ethic has let me down on a couple tests when I should have performed better. I'm actually feeling good most of the time. And you boys always make me feel good.
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