God, I Hate Bama

I don't really hate them. I respect Alabama. Always have. They have one of the truly great traditions in college football, and it pleases me to see them rising after years of being down. But I confess that, as an Auburn fan, I'm bitter.

Due to the upset of USC by Oregon State, I have read a half dozen articles this week that say this game today between Bama and Georgia will decide who the chief candidate in the SEC is for National Champion. I'll remind The Bama Nation (with love) that the Tide was 7-6 last year, has struggled for at least six or seven years now, and barely made the top 25 in preseason rankings. In 2004, Auburn was ranked 17 in preseason and was following two years of 9-4 and 8-5 records. And in the end, we know how it turned out:

Scene: 2004. Office of the BCS Gods. Secretary enters.

Secretary: Your Eminences? There's a football team here to see you. The Auburn Tigers.

BCS God 1: Who? The Auburn Flyers? Never heard of them.

Secretary: No, Your Loftiness. The Tigers. T-I-G...

BCS God 2: You know, that other little college in Alabama. The one with the toilet paper. She's saying they've started a football program.

BCS God 1: Oh them! Yes, the Flyers. I thought they were in Georgia. Well, quite right. Congratulate them on their new endeavor.

Secretary: Well, it's the Tigers, Your Pompousness, and they're saying they are undefeated and are the SEC Champions. They're here to make a case for playing in the National Cham--

BCS God 1: Good on them. If they work hard they might play with the big boys one day, but really, tell them we're quite busy setting the Championship Game in place. Ask them to come back next week and we'll see what we can do for their little program.

Secretary: Yes, Your Fatuousness. (Exits)

BCS God 2: You know, I think you're right. I believe they are in Georgia.

But now, even though Alabama has done nothing significant in more than a decade, if they were in the same spot it would be more like this:

Secretary (whispering frantically): The Tide is here, Your Eminences!

BCS God 1: Holy Shyt!

BCS God 2: How does my hair look?

(Tide strolls in)

Tide: Hey guys. Just thought I'd check by and make sure you know we're playing in the National Championship game, aight?

BCS God 1: Well of course you are, Your Crimsonness! Do you think us madmen?

BCS God 2: Simply not worth calling it a National Championship if you weren't there, Your Brilliance.

Tide: Just makin' sure, you know. I mean, after what happened with Auburn and all that.

BCS God 1: Who, the Flyers? Pish-tosh, man. No one cares about that little Georgia school.

Tide: Aight, then. See ya at the game. (Exits)

BCS Gods: Roll Tide!

(There is brief silence, broken only by the relieved sighing of the gods.)

BCS God 2 (blushing coyly): I don't know about you, but I've got to change my panties.

It would never happen to Alabama like it happened to us. The fact Bama is even being mentioned in the same sentence with the words "BCS Championship Game" is proof. So you see this is why we Auburn fans don't tend to get too excited.