Bama Blues

Nick is not happy down at the Capstone. Who can blame him? He's got kids making stupid choices, media scrutinizing every step, fans still demanding instant success. Whatever Bama has to pay a head coach, and Nick is the highest paid in the land, that coach deserves it. Being Bama's head coach, if you're successful, could be the closest to God you get treated on Earth, but if you're not (or just not successful fast enough to suit the fanbase), you are the devil himself. It would take somebody like Nick Saban to handle that sort of pressure. I think he does it pretty well. Still, it must weigh on him. Everyone is blaming him for all of it, but they are wrong. As with nearly every coaching problem Bama has ever seen since the departure of Bear, the Bama Fan is at the root of the issue.

Back when Mike Shula was fired, I got tangled up with some Bama fans in a sports forum. I was just trying to encourage them to keep their chins up, but they were full of gloom and despair. Then the Rich Rodriguez Incident occurred, and I thought they would all take turns jumping head first off the top of Denny Chimes. And then...Nick arrived.

There was speculation for a few weeks, but when the confirmation of Saban's hiring was announced officially, there was an immediate change in the attitude of the posters in the forum. Heads swelled. To a man, height increased by at least half a foot. And don't even get me started on how everyone suddenly sprouted a foot-long penis which they proudly swung at everyone, tauntingly, as if to say, "You'll feel it soon, loser!" You think the players don't feed off that attitude and feel that way too? Sure they do. And they're kids, which means they are full of stupidity.

Fans and boosters of every football program have long been accused of making excuses for and protecting players, even when they do wrong, encouraging them even, to feel they can get away with more because they are who they are. It's always wrong and it always will be wrong. If fans truly want to protect their players, they should stop them from getting into situations that will lead to trouble. If you see Rashad Johnson in a bar, don't buy him drinks until he's unable to make good choices. Fans should demand behavior that represents their program with pride and help their players stay out of trouble by not getting into trouble in the first place. Most do, but those few who want to swing it around will invariably lead players down the path to destruction, which may include jail, suspension from the team, NCAA sanctions, and the list goes on and on.

So Nick really does have his work cut out for him. He's gotten everyone so excited and full of themselves by taking the job, by getting this year's No. 1 recruiting class and by just being his lovable self, he now has to settle everyone down again. He will, eventually, if people will leave him alone enough to do it.

Obscene Display of Manflesh

Ladies, it's not uncommon, as you know, for women to be displayed like so many pastries on the dessert cart. If you aren't the jealous type and get upset that some other pastries are considered more appetizing than yourself, and if you accept that men are rather simple creatures and find women nice to look at, this is not terribly surprising nor alarming. What IS alarming is that there are so few equivalent displays of men. That said, please allow me to direct your attention to the NFL Scouting Combine.

The Combine features college football players on the verge of being drafted into the NFL. It's a sort of competition that showcases athleticism. In short, the Combine asks big, strong, muscular, 22-year-old men to do tricks on command. Run fast! (Yay!) Lift this weight! (Wow!) Jump high and catch this pass! (OMG!) Hit me in the slot! (Yes!)

Ehem.

Where was I? Oh yes, the Combine. The fellas get pretty sweaty at times. Even been known to take off their shirts. Not that that they need to. Only an Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt could fit quite so form-fittingly across a man's chest as the shirts they wear at the Combine. You should really check it out on NFL Network. It will be running through the 27th and highlights no doubt for some time after that.

"...we got running backs jumping when we come back..."

How delightful.

Top Ten Fantasy List--Oh, Baby!

I was thinking today about those things that get the blood pumping and the heart racing and the skin tingling... sports, of course. In today's world, attending live sporting events simply costs more money than I have or with which I am willing to part. But this is fantasy, as I said, so if money were no object, here are my hardcore sports fantasy events:

1. The Iron Bowl.
The Auburn/Alabama game is my state's "big deal" rivalry. At birth, you are almost forced to pick a side. You're Crimson or Orange. You named your dog Shug or Bear. You're a Tiger or a whatever-they-call-themselves-at-Bama. (I call 'em Whooped Six Years in a Row.) But whomever you cheer for in the game, attending the Iron Bowl would have to be No. 1 on the list of "must see" sporting events for an Alabamian.

2. A Kentucky Wildcats home basketball game.
I have heard frequently that this is one of the most intense sporting events you can attend, bar none. Basketball is already a madhouse, because the venue is so intimate. To be someplace where the game matters so much--a real "basketball school"--would be an extreme thrill.

3. Naturally, a Browns game. Against Pittsburg.
Not only would this be a chance to pay a visit to a "big city," but going there AND seeing football? What could be better? I'd want to go all out, and get my seats in the Dawg Pound, drink beer, taunt Steelers, and cheer the Orange and Brown to an AFC North victory. Woof!

4. The Kentucky Derby.
I have multiple reasons for this one. First, I always wanted a horse. Second, I read all the Black Stallion books as a kid, so I learned all about thoroughbred racing. Third, the hat. A big, huge, gaudy, Southern lady hat. Like this one. It's a great event, full of tradition, and you get racing all day long in the beautiful Kentucky springtime. And while we're at it, let's just take in the whole Triple Crown.

5. A Major League Playoff Series in a City Where It Really Matters.
Boston, Chicago, New York. Doesn't matter. In the South we tend to cheer for the Braves, but my gut tells me it just isn't the same as cheering for the Red Sox. Another chance to visit a big city, and I'd take in the whole series from first pitch to last out, keep score and sing during 7th Inning Stretch. Good stuff.

6. The College Football National Champtionship Game (I refuse to call it that three-initial championship game).
Back to football. Doesn't matter who's playing (although I love a nice SEC vs Big 10 matchup), because there is nothing like college football. People care about it. For your school, for your conference, for mom and the high school sweetheart back home. College football is the ultimate ecstasy and agony sport, and it's ultimate game is surely a thing to behold.

7. Sugar Bowl.
Yes, I like football. A lot. And I like SEC football. So even in a year when the Sugar Bowl doesn't determine the national champion, it still has to be great. And on top if it, it's in New Orleans, my favorite place in this world. To be in my favorite city, watching my favorite sport, eating some shrimp creole and partying on Bourbon Street--Wow. It would be hard to top that. I might need to move this one higher up the list.

8. Heavyweight Championship, Vegas.
I'm no great fan of boxing. I tend to think it's probably fixed and I don't necessarily get shivery over the idea of men punching each other in the face for money. However, a big boxing match in Vegas has to be an incredible experience. Dress up, place a bet, crown a champ.

9. The Super Bowl.
Unless it's my team, I'm not going to get emotionally caught up, but we're talking about the most-watched sporting event in the world. And besides the game, you have some geriatric rock band performing at half time, a moving award ceremony at the end, and a city full of out-of-towners looking for a good time. I'm thinking this all amounts to one hell of a weekend.

10. A World Cup Match in Europe (preferably Italy).
Always wanted to go to Europe, so catching a significant sporting event could only enhance the experience. I admit, this is hard core stuff for an American. We don't give a shit about soccer over here, and Europeans will kill you for it. I'd have to toughen up, but it would be worth it.

And there it is. A sublime list, and I might say a MAN's list, apart from the hat.

Important (and True), Cuz I Said So

I do believe that "truth" exists, depending on what we're talking about. And I do believe some things are more important than others. For example, what I say is important IS important and it is very hard for people to argue with me. And what I say is truth because it is in the newspaper. Dispute that!

I've been involved in a discussion this week that first started as a debate on whom to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, shifted to the "truth" about Iraq, and ended on the topic of whether or not you can trust "the news" and even if the media tells you what is important at all, much less the truth about it. It actually reminds me of an argument I had years ago, with one of the most pig-headed persons I have ever known, over whether or not there exists such a thing as an "unbiased" reporter. The answer to that is No. You can rely on that answer because I editorialized about it in the newspaper, and once printed it is true, unbiased fact. However, it didn't run on the front page, therefore it isn't an important fact so you don't really have to worry about it.

I have worked in the news media for almost all my adult life and part of my youth, and it doesn't matter if I work for The New York Times or The Podunk County News; what I say goes. I tell you what is important by putting it on the front page, under the flag, with a color photo and a 50-pt. headline. I tell you what isn't important by using it as "filler" on the classified page or not at all. And it's true because it's right there, in black and white, with quotes from important and reliable people. They must be, or why would I have quoted them?

The point I'm trying to make is that you can't just count on the media to give you the important stuff in a truthful way. While I believe that most people are mostly good and mostly honest most of the time, if for no other reason than to avoid trouble, what's true and important for them simply may not be for you. And if I'm not so honest, I can write a completely factual article or editorial that is absolutely false and misleading, depending on how I write it. You can use the newspaper and television and internet as sources of information, but eventually you have to rely on your gut. It's the most faithful thing you have, even when it's wrong.

Organized and Efficient

I have always wanted to be organized and efficient. Unfortunately, you can't get that way just by wishing. You need a strategy. As yet I have not developed an organized and efficient strategy for getting there.

But I do find inspiration in lots of places. This weekend we had breakfast at Waffle House. I'm not particularly a fan of breakfast foods, and I nearly always regret eating breakfast out, but I'm glad I went. I was in the perfect position to watch the hashbrowns kid do his magic.

The place is packed with people waiting for tables. Waitresses are yelling out orders like a quarterback in the huddle:

"I got eggs and cheese, double hash, scattered, chunked and peppered on two!"

"On three, make it crispy! Smothered, diced and covered!"

In the meantime, this kid is doing hashbrowns, waffles and toast as fast as possible. He's got three batches of hashbrowns on the grill, six waffle irons going at once, and he butters, slices and plates two pieces of toast at a time in about three seconds. And he's doing this the whole time all the yelling, customer chatter and other cooking is going on around him. He does it with such an ease and such a rhythm and with the most calm and controlled expression on his face. He was in the zone. He was organized and efficient. I couldn't even eat my food because I was too busy watching the guy cook.

I suppose it all has to do with concentration, routine and good habits. In any case, I admire it. Perhaps I should go to work for Waffle House. Maybe I could learn a thing or two.

Where did I go wrong?

My little girl is knocked up. You try to raise them right...

In my history of pet ownership, I have failed to get an animal properly spayed or neutered only once, and now it has come back to bite me in the ass. Here's how it happened:

1. I went to bed one night after noticing Persephone acting a little strangely. I thought absently, "She's beyond old enough to be spayed now. Better make an appointment."
2. The next morning I woke up to my husband saying, "This cat is crazy!" and to the sound of the cat singing like a rock star. I promptly said, "Oh shit. She's in heat. No wonder she was acting strangely last night."
3. My husband immediately opened the back door to smoke and released my horny girl into the wild. An hour later when I was finally able to get her called back into the house, a gentleman caller was hot on her tail. Having once tasted the forbidden fruit, she managed to escape twice more the next day. Of course by then it was too late.

So I guess I'll be a grandmother in about six weeks. Great! Maybe I can get her on welfare.

TMI

It's funny how, even when you are grown, you are often no better at learning from other people's experiences than you were as a kid. Or maybe it's just me. I've always been a very open person. If you want to know something about me or how I feel about a subject, just ask. My friends all know this.

Knowing this, my friends (and husband and parents and even now strangers) have all advised me to basically STFU. I give out too much, they say. One day it will get me in trouble, they say. And even though I have worked in the news business for most of my adult life, and I have reported on various acts of violence, rapes, kidnapping and murders, my response to the fears of my friends has always been, "Why do you have to be so negative? Most people are good." First, they disagree with me that most people are good, and second they say it doesn't matter anyway. It isn't most people you need to worry about. It's just The One. And my answer back is always, "Yes, whatever."

So a week or so ago, I posted a clever little Photoshop® image I created on the Browns forum. The image was hosted from an account I had created. The account name included my last name, and one of the pictures was labeled with my first name. The next day, one of the regular posters there who also reads here contacted me. The email was called "Look what I know" and it contained my full name, my home address, my home phone number and my work address. He also reminded me that, sometime previously, I had made it known where I go walking at night alone. He said he would have included turn-by-turn directions to my house, but thought that might be overkill. I don't remember my exact response, but it was something like, "Holy shit!" He said I was not the first woman to whom he'd given such a lesson, and then said I might want to consider a firearm. To my great happiness he said he also thinks that most people are good, but you still have to be careful about The One. They don't generally advertise themselves.

So anyhow, thanks for the lesson B.D. I don't have a firearm yet, but when I go walking with my military grade teargas spray in one pocket and my big knife in the other, I think fondly of you.