24 October 2008

Pull My Finger

It is said that potty humor is the oldest form of humor because everyone does it. This is true. Unless you're female. We just don't talk about such things.

But we should! Men get to have all the fun. A guy can walk into a room and, with no preface or segue of any kind, announce something like, "I just dropped a deuce he size of a gopher."

His mates will then respond in many predictable ways. There will be congratulations, a polite golf clap, an empathetic "been there, done that." Someone will offer him a beer. And all will be well. No one will be offended. Men somehow fully grasp the idea that, yes, shit happens. And so do farts.

But let's say a woman walks into her Jane Austin Study Club meeting and, with no preface or segue of any kind, announces, "I just dropped a deuce he size of a gopher." Can you imagine the results? Gasps of horror. Chastisement. It's possible that an extremely elderly member of the group, whose "I shouldn't say that" switch has long been broken, might inquire about the consistency and recommend a good doctor. But our friend would not be invited back. Her children would be labeled "undesirable," and the JASC meeting will be mysteriously relocated to an undisclosed venue.

It's yet another thing that separates the sexes and yet another weakness of the female. It is great source of amusement to me that if any male, be he three years old or 73, can fart and trap you under the covers with it, that will be the funniest thing that happened today.

Riverboat Gambler

That's how I feel, Tommy. I just fling out my arms and say, WTF? How is it that Auburn was undefeated in 2004 and now four years later, we suck like a crack ho during Fleet Week? Right now we should have a team full of quality juniors and seniors recruited off that undefeated season. Instead, we don't know who our quarterback is, our "championship-caliber" defense isn't so much, and our heralded Spread Offense is the biggest joke in the NCAA. We were a ranked team at the beginning of the season, and now 8 games in, we have fallen off the radar.

Tuberville's "Riverboat Gambler" nickname was established when he was at Mississippi, where he was known for aggressive play calling and taking chances. And he's managed to play strategy and luck very effectively while at Auburn. He survived JetGate in 2003, and turned the next season into a huge pot that bought him a new contract and new respect. And he keeps on beating Bama.

But he made a mistake. By hiring Tony Franklin and going to the Spread, he bought deeply into a pot but he wouldn't go all in. And now he's stuck. Half his stack is gone now, and he's on tilt. Auburn will not beat Alabama this year, and those sweet memories of 2004 and "The Thumb" will fade. Tommy is up the river.

BUT, he still has an ace in the hole. It's called a buyout clause and it's worth about $5 million. Tommy's recent protestations that he's been an Auburn man for 10 years and hopes to be an Auburn man for another 10 is just his way of saying, "If you want me gone you'll have to pay me."

I don't blame him. The atmosphere at Auburn must be toxic since the JetGate scandal, and I'm sure he feels under appreciated. However, you don't gamble the future of a program to play out a one-on-one with Bobby Lowder or the Board of Trustees. Sometimes the right thing to do is to fold. We'll have to see how this hand plays out.

21 October 2008

In Kellen's Corner


As if the Browns weren't in enough trouble and weren't embarrassing enough already, now general manager Phil Savage has suspended tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. for a game. Why? Because Kellen said he wasn't treated with care during a recent illness. On first blush, that may seem a whiny little comment coming from a big ol' football player, but once the truth came out, it was clear to me that Kellen was not only not treated with care, but was used and exploited so the Browns front office could save face.

If you aren't aware, Kellen got sick a while back. So sick he had to miss practice and a game, and he had to stay in the hospital several days. When asked about his illness, the Browns organization said they would not disclose it because it was "personal." Personal? Whatever could that mean?

Profootballtalk.com writer Mike Florio reported that a "league source" said Kellen was suffering from swollen testicles. That was reported on Oct. 10. For the next nine days, rumors ran rampant. Swollen testicles? Wow, K2 must have an STD, been screwing around on his wife, etc. All the while, the Browns said nothing and neither did Kellen while the swollen testicles talk flourished. Finally, on Oct. 19, Kellen broke silence and revealed that he had been treated for a staph infection. Why the secrecy? Perhaps because so many Browns players have had seasons and careers cut short in recent years due to staph infections. The Browns would surely take heat over yet another of their star players being sidelined with staph AGAIN.

Kellen also complained that Savage never called him while in the hospital, and expressed feelings of ill treatment. So Savage suspended him for a game, saying the comments brought "unjustified negative attention" to the organization. Unjustified?

Phil Savage, who benefitted from Kellen's silence? Certainly not him, with all the nasty rumors flying. Who benefitted were Savage, Coach Romeo Crennel and owner Randy Lerner. Had Kellen kept his mouth shut, they would have been saved the embarrassment of having to discuss staph infections yet again, and who cares if Kellen had to endure wild gossip about infidelity and venereal disease?

Phil Savage should be ashamed of this suspension. I already thought the Browns were behaving gutlessly by allowing Romeo to coach us into the ground, but this is a far worse example of management and leadership. And crassness. And of exactly what Kellen said: treating somebody like a piece of meat. Shame, shame.

Romeo

"If you have a team that needs to develop a winning attitude, then it's really important that you win. I'd say we're a young team. We're also young as far as winning goes because we haven't done a whole lot of it around here."

"The other thing is, I'd like for us to look decent. It seems that the consensus is that we were decent in the Jets game, even though we lost that one. I'd like to look decent against the Bears and go from there."

"I'm trying to figure that out myself."

"If I could figure that out I'd probably be a better coach."

Good Derek/Bad Derek

It doesn't really matter at this point whether Brady Quinn is good or not; should he be tapped to lead the Browns next week or any week this season it is already too late. Even as optimistic as I can be I know that the season is lost. The Browns are 2-4 now, and will finish third at best in the AFC North. There will be no division title, as so many expected. There will be no wildcard shot at the playoffs. We're done.

Coach Romeo Crennel and general manager Phil Savage stuck with DA, who clearly earned his chance to be the starting quarterback last season. Or blew his chance, depending on what games you review. They stuck with him through three poor performances this season, and three quarters of another poor performance against Cincinnati before a flash of "decent" offense helped the Browns beat a horrible team who was without its starting quarterback. Hooray.

The Giants game, you ask? Yes. It was fantastic. It was the best and most complete game of football I have seen the Browns play since I have followed them. Everyone did well, including Derek. We took down the defending Super Bowl champs and dealt them their first loss of the year. And then we went to Washington and sucked it up again.

How can DA go 18-of-29 with a passer rating of 121 on Monday and then go 14-of-37 with a passer rating of 57.9 on Sunday? Many theories...

The "good" DA can be very good, but the "bad" DA is horrible and shows up too often. I'd take a mediocre DA who was neither great nor awful and could be counted on week to week. Or just sit him and put in "the other guy." At this point, what difference would it make?

08 October 2008

Wyatt Graff


So a bunch of us are posting in the Browns forum, lamenting the horrible state of our team, and landofcleve announces he's going to go paint. Paint what? I ask. One of these amazing things. Turns out landofcleve is Wyatt Graff, an artist now living in Savannah, and he creates these wonderful abstracts.

I find these pieces fascinating. You can see more by clicking the title of this entry. Wyatt creates them with a special enamel paint on multiple layers of Plexiglass, housed in a wood frame. You can reorder the layers, resulting in thousands of possible pictures. I'm stunned by the genius of it! It isn't just a painting; it's an interactive sculpture.

I told Wyatt that the paintings evoke many ideas: confetti, a garden in bloom, falling leaves, balloons, rain, and even crowds of people. Turns out I'm semi-brilliant too. He said crowds were his initial thought and inspiration for these unique designs. And it makes so much sense, given the shifting and changeability these pieces of art allow. The comings and goings. The distinct and the combined. The individual and the group.

Creating is good. I admire people who do it. I create a little. I write and sometimes I even paint very bad paintings. When you see the work of someone who really does it right, one can be tempted to envy, but I find more often that it inspires. And Wyatt has inspired me this week! It doesn't hurt that he's a nice guy in a forum populated by a lot of assholes. Smart guy too. He was an Academic All American in golf while at the Savannah College of Art and Design, and sported a 3.97 GPA. Pretty inspiring all around.

Wyatt is working on some new pieces for an upcoming show. I'll update when I learn more.

01 October 2008

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

October is the best month. Autumn arrives and stirs a crispness into the air. Football is in full swing. Everywhere you turn there is a county fair or a traveling carnival. It's the first chance to wear that snuggly sweater I've been missing since March. And it means Halloween is near.

I realize that, in the eyes of many, saying Halloween is my favorite holiday (followed closely by St. Patrick's Day) is some sort of blasphemy. Everyone is supposed to love Christmas above all things. Well, too bad. I find Christmas to be entirely too stressful, filled with compulsory visits with relatives you barely know and like even less, or manic shopping trips for gifts that cost too much and are still not up to standard. Humbug.

Halloween is full of fun and magick and mischief. It's the one day when it's OK to be a witch or a little devilish. You can buy your costume or make it. Face paint is enough. All it takes to enjoy it is a bag of candy, a good imagination and the desire to be spooked. Haunted houses and haunted hayrides. Late-night scary movie marathons. Nothing is more fun than a fright.

Oh, and the full moon is on the 13th. Not as good as Halloween, but lucky still.

Found Happiness

You know how you get your winter coat out of the closet for the first time of the season, and you reach into the pocket to find a crumpled five dollar bill? Isn't it wonderful? It's not the lottery or anything, but it's a surprise, an unexpected gift. Yes, it was always your money, but that isn't the point. You didn't know you had it, so it's...free.

I lost an earring this week. I was certain that I lost it at the carnival, and so it would be gone forever, having been trampled into powdered crystal and crumpled metal under the feet of carnies and frolicking teenagers. I was particularly disappointed, because it was from a pair I had bought to replace another pair which had been broken. And the crystals were orange, so they matched my Auburn gear and my Browns gear. I almost threw the other one into the trash out of disgust. But I didn't.

Happily, I found it today! It was being batted around the kitchen floor by a kitten. When I saw it, I was as elated as I have been about anything in weeks, and even more so that I hadn't disposed of its mate. It occurred to me later as I enjoyed the tickling on my earlobes that it can take little to make a day pleasant. Five dollars in your pocket. A five-dollar pair of earrings. Small things as these can make the mundanity bearable.