PENIS

I am fascinated by the penis. I admit it. As if I couldn't think of it all the time, even if I didn't want to, the way men constantly draw your attention to it. It's as if men have their own little ("who you callin' little?") pagan god, right there in their crotch, and their life's goal is to honor and worship and please it.

You can dress yourself as a penis or you can dress your penis as something else. You can decorate it with tattoos or pointed gourds or beaded circlets. I suspect penis adornment was the first form of fashion design.

You don't see a woman naming her vagina, but men name their penises all the time. They refer to it as "he," and suggest it is a different person entirely. I suspect this might be because "he" has a mind of his own at times. I asked a fellow recently what it was like to have something attached to your body that just does as it pleases so often. He said you just get used to it. How? I've been accused of having sex on the brain nearly as bad as a man, but even if I do get a little tingle at midday, I'm not in danger of anyone knowing it or of putting out somebody's eye.

Men make jokes about their penises and those of others all the time. They joke it's too small or doesn't perform when they feel in a self-deprecatory mood. They joke that it's gigantic and should be labeled a WMD when they are feeling macho. They always joke that theirs is bigger than yours. Water sure is cold, the Bama fan said. Yep, and deep too said the Auburn fan. Do I need to tell the rest of the joke or do you remember it? But in secret, they all seem to worry that it isn't perfect or that it might fail. A woman never has to worry that her vagina wont work. We're always open for business, but can the customer make it into the shop? That's a man's ultimate fear.

The penis is simultaneously a man's most flaunted and most guarded of possessions. "See what I got right here, baby? Hey! Keep that elbow away from him!"

Friend and nemesis. Treasure and curse. It's no wonder men behave the way they do sometimes. They are always of two minds.