Five Instant Hottifiers for Men

Due to the massive amount of spam emails I get for penis enlargement devices/pills/techniques, I venture to guess that men think about their junk all the time. I have other evidence to prove this theory besides email, such as the fact that every man I know who thinks he is hung like a horse mentions it all the time, and the best way men have to tease each other--besides accusing each other of being gay--is to suggest their buddy has a small pecker. So these emails promise to give you the single most important thing in the world to make you attractive to women: a huge dick.

Men, you don't need a yard-long piece of rebar in your pants to attract women. You don't need to be perfectly gorgeous. You don't need washboard abs. You don't need a Corvette. You don't need a million dollars in the bank. If you want to look sexy for women, I offer you Five Instant Hottifiers for Men.

1. The Smile

Ok, so I have a fetish for teeth. That's beside the point. Take a look at this random actor. Isn't he hot? Isn't that a beautiful smile? Doesn't it say, "Hey, I'm cool, you're cool." A smile makes you approachable. It's warm. It's CONFIDENT. I don't care who you are, guys. If you can't look at this fellow and see that his smile makes him sexy, you're just trying to be too straight.

So brush up on it. Practice in the mirror if you have to. Get some whitening strips if you think you need them. But smile already. The mouth is the sexiest part of the body. It talks, it eats, it sings, it kisses. It has a tongue inside it. Think about it. Chicks like all that stuff.

2. Boots

Yes, boots. Western boots, work boots, biker boots, jump boots. Doesn't matter what kind, they are all hot. You know how sexy you think a woman looks in those high heels? Well you're right. It makes our legs look longer. It makes our posture straighter. It changes our entire carriage. And what high heels do for women, boots do for men. You'll be instantly taller, straighter, leaner. And you'll have an air of command about you. Boots say you've got stuff to do and you by-God know how to get it done. I have never seen a man that boots couldn't improve.

3. A uniform

Uniforms come in many styles. The mind jumps immediately to the military uniform or the police uniform, and those are certainly great. Those uniforms say you're looking out for me. I'm safe with you. You'd kill for me. My mind also leaps to football uniforms, or, for most guys, just a jersey. Those say you like to play rough. You're fun. Whatever your uniform is, wear it with pride. For example, check out the suit. Uniform, you ask? Yeah. It's the business uniform. It says, "I make the big bucks," or "I know what I'm talking about," or "Trust me." Hmm? If you don't have another kind of uniform, a good suit is bank. Just make sure it fits properly and didn't come from the Salvation Army box. A suit is an investment and will last for years. Black or navy, and if you need more than one, consider camel. Wear it like you own it and like you own everything else you see too.

4. A white shirt

A white button-up shirt is great. It's clean. It's classic. It's ready for anything. You can wear it with your suit or you can wear it with your jeans. It will flatter your complexion no matter how fair or dark you are. It's elegant, sporty, conservative and fresh, all at the same time. You cannot go wrong with it. And at a bar full of guys wearing their black, you'll be the eye-catcher. A white shirt can go home to meet mother, and will also look great on that chick whose name you can't remember the next morning. She'll want to keep it, by the way. Goes with the territory. Small sacrifice.

5. Dirt

Yes! Dirt is awesome, and like a uniform, comes in many varieties. Just look at pretty Brady Quinn with is eye black smeared on his pretty face. He's fierce! He's not afraid to get down and dirty, hell no. And your dirt might be the grease from a car or the dust from a construction site or the sweat from a good workout. Just note that there is a difference between being dirty and being funky. As long as it is fresh dirt, you're good. It just makes us want to give you a good scrubbing.

So there they are. Simple and require no pumps, pills or implants.