Grossly unfair

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is gorgeous. This is an affront to justice.

Is it not enough that he gets to be the quarterback? The face of the team? The most important player on the field?

Is it not enough he's won Super Bowls, and been named the Super Bowl MVP twice and the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year once?

Is it not enough that he's a bazzillionaire who dates super models and spends his off seasons at Canne and Sundance, and is perfectly at home in a L.A. hotspot or a Broadway play? Not enough he is as comfortable in Armani as he is in a jersey?

Is it not enough to be the top-rated quarterback in the NFL this season and be on track to an elusive undefeated season?

No. None of that is enough. He has to be ridiculously gorgeous too. He can wear a Stetson cowboy hat, a plain black toque or even that ridiculous little snap-brim newsboy cap he had on a few weeks ago on the Monday Night Football post-game, and look fantastic in all of them. I swear, he's in GQ as often as he's in SI. He's a fashion icon, so much so that Kirk Herbstreit was wearing that same ridiculous newsboy cap the next week on ESPN College GameDay.

For the sake of us all, for parity, for balance in the universe, Tom Brady should injure himself in the face and bring back some sense of equality. Really, Tom. You have enough. You don't have to also be better looking that most of the world. Take one for humanity and just smack yourself in the head with a piece of rebar or something.

But on second thought...Tom Brady with that eyeblack on his face AND a jagged scar cutting roguishly across his eyebrow...

...what? Where was I? I passed out for a second.