Men

I love men. I can scarcely tolerate the company of women, partly because, as I've said before, women are hateful, and partly because I have enough feminine silliness of my own to more than suffice for a gathering.

I suppose men are just easy. Simple, direct. When they aren't working, they like food, sex and sports. I can relate to all of that.

Men also make me laugh. I particularly like it when they imply that their buddy is gay. The most homophobic man in the world will think nothing of telling his friend to blow him or worse. It's kind of like that ceremonial humping that monkeys do in the wild to establish the hierarchy of power. And in the meantime, if you're lucky, you get to sit aside and watch and laugh. It's a pure delight.

And all men are the same regardless of age. Once they have reached puberty, their mentalities are fixed forever. You can count on it. It's actually comforting. With men, you get potty humor, belching, occasional celebratory destruction of lamps and sundry, and someone to reach the high shelves and tote the heavy stuff. And all they want is food and sex and to watch the game. It's really quite fair.