Indigestion

I'm sick of Bear Grylls. Disgusted by him. Repulsed. It isn't his nasally British accent (though it is rather nasal), and it isn't his habit of rubbing mud on himself to keep the mosquitoes away. It's his insistence on eating disgusting things on camera for show.

In spite of my efforts to avoid Man Vs. Wild on The Discovery Channel, my husband somehow has control of the remote and I find I'm halfway through a program before Bear Grylls eats something disgusting and I say, "what the hell?"

I'm no wuss. I used to watch The Operation on The Learning Channel all the time. I love forensic science shows. I secretly dream of being the Luminol technician in some murder-prone city. I once wanted to be an undertaker. So it isn't just that Bear Grylls eats roadkill that I find disgusting. It's that he doesn't have to and still does it anyway.

Forget the revelations of Grylls and crew spending nights at the Marriott when they were supposed to be stranded in the wilderness. That's not even relevant to this discussion. I don't mind that these "survival" scenarios are set up. It's the knowledge they impart that's important. But Bear Grylls is insistent up on imparting the knowledge that he will eat from the dead zebra carcass of a lion's kill, or bite the head off a live frog or snake, or rip into the belly of a salmon fresh from the steam. He never builds a fire. Never. Apparently, in spite of the fact that raw meat can contain bacteria and God only knows what sort of cooties you can get from the flesh of a dead zebra which has already been chewed on by lions, building a fire is not an option for the manly Bear Grylls. What did I expect? He goes by the name Bear.

To make matters worse, he will drink liquids from the half-digested food in a camel's stomach rather than dig for water or suck on a cactus, and he will drink his own urine after being "stranded" for five minutes rather than find a stream. Bear Grylls is not afraid to drink his own urine. After five minutes of being stranded. With a crew. Near the Marriott.

Listen up, Grylls. Here's your list:

1. Build a fucking fire. Cook the meat. It will taste better and be less likely to kill you, and after all, your show is about surviving.

2. Don't drink piss until you are sure there isn't a stream 100 yards over that next ridge. If you're going to impress me by consuming penile output, why not fellate yourself instead for the protein?

3. There is only one Bear and that's Bryant, and even British guys who drink piss should know enough to know that.